Ten years ago, I was a wide eyed, hopeful young man, ready to grab life by the pussy. A fresh new college grad, I was still living at home, working my first real job and saving every dollar I didn’t drink first. With that kind of mentality and responsibility, naturally my life consisted of many nights playing cards and drinking beer in town. Our favorite venue for this deviant behavior was one many of you had the pleasure of being at back in the day, 804 Garfield Street. A place Josh Price called home, but many of us considered a playground. On any given night in that house you’d find two people crashing on the couch, three people ripping dabs, and eight others drinking and throwing hands until the wee hours of the morning. And of course, many a football game were watched in that living room.
It was in this house that Josh came up with this brilliant idea to start a fantasy football league with the boys. “It’s the start of a new chapter” he’d say, and we didn’t know what he meant. We never really could understand that fella. I’m not sure why. But what we also didn’t know was that this was the start of something, the start of a league that could last a decade.
Over the years, Chapter has changed quite a bit. In some ways for the better - we used to play on Yahoo for christ sake. But we’ve certainly had our tough times. The friends you have don’t always carry throughout the years. Due to this inevitability, we’ve cycled through quite a few managers. Years passed, championships were won, and people were replaced. That was until about 4 years ago, when an older Josh Price with a new family came to me with a request. SAVE HIM, AND SAVE CHAPTER. YOU MUST TAKE OVER AS COMMISSIONER AND SAVE THIS LEAGUE. It was a call to action that I didn’t take lightly. Soon after, we switched our platform to Sleeper and assembled the greatest cast of characters Fantasy Football has ever seen.
It’s a milestone year for us gentlemen, and I couldn’t be more excited to kick it off. Naturally I’m looking back on the last decade of Chapter fondly, but like a young and naive Josh before me it’s the future I’m most excited for. We have our group, we’ve drafted our teams, and I expect year 10 of Chapter to be the start of something big.
Quick sidebar - This year we’ve introduced the “Spite TD Parlay”. Every week you’ll choose a member from your opposing manager’s team that you think will score a touchdown. Everyone’s choices go into the 10 leg parlay that I’ll build for us. $1 a week for your selection, and any winnings that we get will go into a group fund for a bar tab down the road. Get your picks in a day before the first game of the week goes off (with week 1 starting on Wednesday, get me your picks and dollars by Wednesday morning). And lastly - for those of you who haven’t, pay your dues.
Now let’s bring the teams front and center and see who won the draft. And finally, let’s fucking kick off Chapter10!
The Rankings
I did run our draft through an analyzer - next to everyone’s names I included the “grade” you received. It was through FFWrapped, and it’s super easy to run the analysis if you want to see the full grades. Grades aren’t everything though, and anyways I rank this shit myself. I won’t be influenced by these clankers.
10 - Aaron (B+)
It feels like every year I’m not a fan of Aaron’s draft. Our first year on Sleeper I hated the team that Aaron drafted, and that team went on to win the whole fucking thing. The more I think about it I believe my hatred is really in the process. Granted we draft at the man’s house, but every year Aaron is always one of the following for the draft: piss drunk, stressing, or distracted by his wife/various family members. Sometimes it’s all three. Because of these factors Aaron has probably auto drafted the vast majority of the players he’s rostered, and I don’t think it does him any favors. We may need to come up with an alternate draft day solution just to give this guy a chance.
The point is, Aaron was multitasking and I think it showed in his draft. Unless his goal was to draft the most players that are actually in jail instead of at the team facility, and if that’s the case then he fucking crushed it.
The highlights, Derrick Henry is a fine pick in half point PPR, and I believe Jefferson is slated for a huge year with hopefully competent QB play. And you went and got your Penn State guy Tyler Warren - I’m banking on him leading the Colts in targets again.
Lowlights: Rice actually rehabbed in jail. I’m not sure what kind of training equipment they have in there, but I can’t imagine he’s going to be in great shape to start the season. Jacobs may have played his last snap in the NFL. And TreVeyon is either hurt or not pass blocking, two things that make it hard for him to stay on the field.
But hey, it’s the draft. If Jeremiah Love is actually Adrian Peterson like they say he is, I may be eating these words in January. It’s happened before.
9 - Tyler (F)
Tyler had a clear strategy coming into the draft: go get my guys and set myself up for a hot start. In theory it works, keep George Pickens in the fifth so you don’t have to worry about WR, and then just focus on drafting guys who should see insane volume early. The only problem is when that volume is on straight up bad NFL teams.
I’m not an Achane hater, and I know a lot of people like that pick for the expected 500 touches he gets this season, but I think he dies or gets shut down before we actually see all of those touches. Your third round pick was Egbuka, which if that toe doesn’t flare up he’s a great pick. But for my money, not with that toe and not in that round.
The rest of the picks the “analysts” call bad I actually see a path forward for, at least early on. Downs, Nailor and Wan’Dale are all going to be target sponges for the first couple weeks while those QBs and offenses get up to speed. Rough offenses potentially, but volume should be there. And you even backfill Downs with the actual number 1 in Indy with Alec Pierce. And listen, Marshawn Lloyd might be the clear 1 in Green Bay if he can stay healthy. Not for me, but it’s a taste thing, and frankly a risk tolerance thing. Tyler’s a gambler, and that’s the shit that wins you leagues. That, and getting both Gibbs and Chase, but we’ll get to that later fellas.
You went and got your guys, and you told the haters to fuck off. It’s a long season and many trades to be had. My guess, Tyler has a hot start and starts cheffing up deals in week 3.
8 - Max (B-)
Now here’s a Bills fan. Emilio wasn’t ballsy enough to take Josh Allen with the first overall pick and you made him pay for that error. And after that, you took the hearts of every Bills fan in the league by reaching for DJ Moore and securing the stack. Can someone say Diggs 2.0? Max can. I’d say I’ve seen this movie before, but DJ Moore came from the shitty Bears and not the Vikings.
Realistically you have two number one guys and a few who can rival for that honor. Allen just does Allen shit, and we can leave that as is. The rest of them have their downsides, but have been fucking freaks when available.
CMC - for all of his age and carries and proximity to the substation - is still maybe the best the league has. Dude just gets fed the ball and scores touchdowns. And he looks better than ever this year, we all saw that beach photo. But the substation looms.. and it doesn’t discriminate.
Nabers and McBride are also the best of the best when things are going well. Only problem is Nabers has only been talked about positively since his third surgery, and McBride and his two moms may be demanding out of Arizona by week 5. But Jesus Christ if they’re putting it together we’re all screwed.
The bench is my biggest concern. You have some boys that will have to simmer for a while, and if you need any immediate fill ins you may be hitting waivers earlier and harder than you wanted. However, for all of my concerns this is how you win fantasy football. Take risks and hope you hit, and you my friend have started the year gambling.
7 - Charles (B)
Let me start by saying.. I like my team a lot. I think on any given week my team is a nuke that can absolutely demolish one of you. This little touchdown parlay we’re doing, my whole fucking team is perfect for it.. when available.
The part of the vision that I can’t see - I’m not sure if the stars can align for 14 weeks straight. I’m praying for 9 weeks, shit I’ll take 8 weeks and sneak into the playoffs. But god damn did I gift myself a hear attack of a season.
I did not want Jeanty. I was barely a Jeanty guy before we all did a 24 hour prayer circle for his knee. And here he is, on my team. I was electricity hunting in round two, and frankly I didn’t want another guy to fall to Dylan. All’s to say, if he’s healthy and Kubiak is the real deal - I’m set. Some big If’s though.
And I haven’t even mentioned our resident vampire. Not only did Puka take a bite out of a lady and not pay her enough to keep quite, he hurt his poo nanner in the lead up to the season. But if my delusion is correct, Puka can be the biggest piece of a top 5 offense and do it all again this year. We just need some prayer, luck, and to hide all of the garlic and wooden stakes as soon as possible.
I do love my bench though. My squad runs deep. And I suppose that gives me what we gentlemen call “a sporting chance”.
6 - Josh (C+)
I started the draft very concerned for where you were heading. I like James Cook, but I fear he got maxed out last year and everyone’s hoping he can somehow do more.. with Josh Allen on his team. But before we could even wait and see, you pulled an immediate trade post-draft that took away all of my concerns. I love Javonte, and while I’m not completely sold on Bucky - he’s still extremely young and running behind one of the best O-lines in the league. Very savvy.
The move left you with a hole though. You took my boy McBride and you flipped him. Previously, he was my best friend, my pal, my homeboy, my Rotten Soldier, my sweet cheese, my good time boy. And you took him and sold him for parts. He didn’t deserve that. And the solution is Kyle Pitts, who actually isn’t a terrible option if it wasn’t for the fact that he plays for the Falcons. Until they trade for Mac Jones and fix that thing in Atlanta, that’ll be a tough start.
Otherwise man I like the squad. Couple homer picks, but not bad at all. Massive fan of both of your starting WRs, and you have a couple of nice pieces on the bench to back fill. Pray that your new RBs stay healthy and you may be staring at the playoff picture come December.
5 - Emilio *Champion - and Current Belt Holder* (C+)
Our reigning Champion, Belt Holder, #1 Draft Spot, and new Jacket owner. Some guys just have it all. And why shouldn’t he. Every year that I’ve known him, Emilio puts together the most in-depth, impressive rankings that I’ve ever seen. He’s, as the kids say, a Ball Knower through and through. And last year he took that big football brain of his and whooped us.
Well.. this year may be a little different. We have a new juggernaut for one, Dylan doesn’t have Gibbs and Bijan anymore - he has Gibbs and Chase. Let’s see if you can pull that shit again against THAT super team! And secondly, your draft may be setting up to be a risky start. You were essentially forced to pick Bijan, and as I mentioned for Max I just don’t trust that the Falcons will look like an NFL team. You tried so hard to be Dylan, it was just the wrong year.
I do like the team, but honestly it’s completely dependent on Price being a bell cow. That RB 2 spot is going to be a headache unless he pulls through. Except for week 1, that auto Aaron Jones TD in the first week is nice to rely on.
The receivers are awesome though. You know I love Nico, and Smith as a 1 on the Eagles is almost guaranteed to be a hit. And Parker Washington waiting in the wings, chefs kiss. It’ll be a tougher go of it, but Emilio is ready to defend the belt.
4 - Derek (B+)
I’m just happy to have you back man. The league wouldn’t be the same without your villainy. Sure, one of us might kill you before you even sniff a championship. But if I can’t be in a league where I have direct access to the asshole who created HOT ZONE, and bitch at him directly when prices rise, I don’t want to be in a league at all.
Your write up is being done the night of 9/9, so we know Bowers had surgery today and will be out “1-2 weeks”. Although I like your team a lot, it is fitting that your keeper goes down days before the season starts. Not only that, it’s the same injury your boy Embiid has. You know, the one that’s super degenerative and fucks up careers? Karma, fate, idk what it is but holy hell you have some crazy luck when it comes to fantasy.
Beyond all that, I do like your team a lot. Sniping Dak from Tyler not only hurt him, but it’s a hell of a QB play. Great stack there to pair with the rest of the great WRs you have. Also really like your starting RBs to start the year. Now you just have to pray Kittle scores a TD in week one and maybe you can exercise those FF demons.
3 - Blake (B-)
We put you in a bad spot man. I tried my best to put the falling of Jamarr Chase blame on you, but as a league we panicked hard. I’ve seen a lot of crazy RB runs in drafts this year, but with Chase on the board we had no business passing on him for five picks in a row. Shame on all of us. But also you. Amon Ra over Chase? OMAR over Chase? Couldn’t be me. But maybe you know something we don’t.
And that’s probably more true than I think, because for all of the 1st/2nd round chaos I really like your team. Maye has great rushing upside and very badly wants to be Josh Allen, Chase Brown is confirmed to be the 2nd target on the Bengals (maybe that’s what you were planning for), and Swift and the Bears apparently are going to be the best offense in NFL history.
The tightest spot for you is TE, and honestly I can see Kelce putting up one last great season on his farewell tour. Well done.. you know.. besides the first round.
2 - Timmy (A)
I’m running out of steam here, I’m sorry fellas. And it might be out of depression. These last two teams are juggernauts. And I fucking play this one in week 1. Timmy, our nicotine pouch solution and hero, fucking killed the draft.
I have a feeling Burrow will finally play a full season, and I say that as an owner in another league. A lot of people are calling for him to be the MVP. If he ends up throwing 450 yards a game we’re all toast, and we haven’t gotten to the best part.
JT, Kenneth Walker.. god damnit did I want Ken Walker, a late Drake London (only “if” here), Olave and Waddle on a new team. AND COLSTON FUCKING LOVELAND. That’s not including the stacked bench you picked. Fellas, I know it’s just my opinion, I have a bad feeling Timmy is going to fuck up a lot of our weekends for the next few months.
1 - Dylan (B-)
Last but not least, definitely not least. Gibbs and Chase is crazy. I can end this write up right here.
Risky RB picks, but I like the play to hunt touchdowns with Skat and Monty. Christian Watson sitting in the wings with all that money. And Daniels is a lot of fun if he can get back to his rookie form, but if that doesn’t work you have Trevor Lawrence ready to suit up.
It’s a great team, and then let’s just sprinkle the WR and RB 1s on top of it. Great job fellas. It’s not a guaranteed championship by any means, but we all have an uphill battle this year.
Cheers
Love, your commissioner - Charles Yaeger
Notes from the editor- Site updates come out Wednesday or Thursday before the game. Send all your damning pics of your league mates to Charles.